Ramblings and rants about the amusing, stupid things that happen to me in and around Cincinnati.

Thursday, December 30, 2004

Beer, Beer, Beer...

Tomorrow, or in a couple of hours, it's New Year's Eve.

I'm listenng to my music on I-Tunes and this awesome, stupid song came on by the "Asylum Street Spankers." "M y favorite drug is an ice cold beer." Remember that Arn & Rachel?

Anyway, I don't have much to say tonight, except, Happy New Year to my friends and others that I love dearly. Prost!!!!

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

It's So Hard And Tough Being Smart And Right All Of The Time

Now I am pissed off. I just wrote a post and it was gone when I previewed it!

Back to the story...I hope. My daughter wants to move to Florida and take me with her. I've never really lived alone, but that is my first priority. I want a small place all to myself. Nobody to answer to, to shop for, to hide my bad habits. I just need to find a decent living without working for the man.

Crackheads, you've got a new player around the block. (Even though I have no idea how to start.)

Tonight, I took in the dozen middle finger talking lighters to the bar. Sold all of them within a matter of minutes and made a small profit. Ron, my buddy, suggested we start selling this crap on the Internet. Hey I'm game. Let's make a ton of money! He has all kinds of crazy ideas (if he could just remember them the next day.) I told him my son-in-law, Jim, aka Racing Legend, Johnny-Jackson Stone has to be involved. He's the closest thing to a Type A personality (crackhead) I've ever seen, A quote from him: "It's so hard and tough being smart and right all of the time."

Lookout guys, I'm coming to attack that Crackhead territory...wish me luck; or point me in the right direction!

Monday, December 27, 2004

Humphrey's Coming Home

Tomorrow, I am taking Humphrey (Jr.) to Roxy. Humphrey is the "Humping Dog" that Roxy had displayed on the bar until her manager made her take him down because, "This is inappropriate for a family restaurant."

He was missing for a month or so, but was found under a booth when Dave was cleaning one night. Then, that dumb woman Betty "borrowed him" to show somebody. Betty has been back to the bar, but she never returns Humphrey.

During our Christmas exchange game, Humphrey was up for grabs and I managed to get him! So, Humphrey, you are going home!

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Christmas Shopping

Candice found this on Mom's computer:

Christmas Shopping

What to get? What to get?
Not a problem
Go to the ‘net,
Look at everything
Then decide.


The clock says “1:23.”
I like it when clocks are orderly like that
But it does mean
That once again
I have played on the computer
So long that I missed

Thanksgiving Dinner

Turkey, of course,
Mashed potatoes--
And gravy (of course)--
Dorothy’s corn casserole
Cranberry sauce
Pumpkin pie and whipped cream
Waldorf salad (my favorite)
Next to the turkey (of course)


New Balance
Oh, well,
Just stick with
New Balance


Writing too much poetry
At one time,
I’ve found,
Can make you


I woke up this morning
And it was raining.
Wonderful sound
I listened to it
A long time
And then
It gently lulled
Back to sleep.


Where were you just 10 years or so
Man, (no, machine)
You have almost taken over
Our lives.
e-mail, so much fun to keep
in touch with friends now
that I had lost touch with.
Too much
But what fun when
Fed-ex brings
Everything from
Lobsters to
Harry Potter right to my door.
Hours and hours
Both saved and spent
Making me a better-informed teacher.
I love you,
Mr. Internet Machine.

More Food

I could really do
With a ham sandwich
Right about now.
My choice, though,
Is turkey,
Or turkey.
What will it be?

Wind Chimes

The music of wind chimes outside my bedroom window
Is a symphony
Written by God
Delivered through the breeze.

Fairfield Commons

Oh, man, where should I park?
Close to Parisian
But not close to anything else
Except Penney’s.
Around back by Elder-Beerman?
Yeah, maybe,
Unless everybody else decided to park
There too.
Or down by Lazarus?
Which is also close to Liz Claiborne.
And the food court
(mmmmm, the soup store)
and Bath and Bodyworks
and the wonderful smelling candle store
don’t forget,
Baskin Robbins.

After Glow

Trying to get ready for Mom's funeral service...not really a service, but a celebration. We loaded songs on my iPod last night and Jim finished the DVD (not going to be a dry eye in the house).

Our family is so twisted. The last song on the list (only for the family to hear) is They Might Be Giants "I palindrome I." We were listening to CDs trying to find stuff for her and this song came on: "One day mother will die and I'll get the money..." Paul, Candice, Jim and I started cracking up and decided there will be one last laugh for her. She made us laugh until the end. At one point while she was dying in her hospital bed, her breathing became very strange. Then she opened her eyes and yelled, "Fake!" She wasn't dead yet, but she sure did make all of us in her hospital room laugh. Another time she said, "How did I miss the end of Survivor? Who won?"

Mom, I miss you so much. I want to tell you about Monday when you were unconscious and the stupid stuff we did. Elevator races; slowing down the revolving door (even to complete strangers); Dance Dance Revolution (Collin finally got to challenge Tyler); Ian is a dance machine; Trevor performing his "Way Sexy Girls" strut for you by your bedside (after he snuck over and gave you a last kiss); seeing a very sympathetic Elaine; Katy was with us that night; Vicky coming to your room explaining your "big floppy heart;" the chaplain face off...so much more but I can't think because I am so numb.

I love you!

Sunday, December 19, 2004

I Still Love You Mom

We had to have the ambulance come again today. This time she is suffering from her legs...a nasty result from congestive heart failure. They are absolutely a mess. Very red, huge nasty open wounds, and on her right leg, it's moved up to her hip.

The doctor yelled at dad and me for not bringing her in sooner. Dad says it was just today that it moved above her knee.

Whatever, she is in so much pain. I can't stand seeing her like this.

Mom, I love you and I wish I could take some of the pain from you. You are the most awesome person on earth!

Friday, December 17, 2004

Mom, I Love You

Tonight, my mother was in really bad shape. It's very hard preparing for her death. Mom, make it past Christmas, please, and then get through February!

I love you. But this is tearing me up.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Happy Chrismahanukwanzakah

Some fun flash sites:



Wednesday, December 15, 2004

The Boy Across The Creek

I went to Rafferty's tonight to hang out with Bev, Ron and Yasir. Ron and Yasir were sitting next to a younger fellow telling lots of stories. I overheard he was a pilot, and, being myself, I threw out, "Do you know Rachel?" Turns out he trained her. I showed Mike, the pilot, pictures of us when we were in Europe. We traded some stories and I asked for his name. He told me and I knew that name!

Then he says, "Are you Nick's Mom? I'm the boy that lived across the creek from you." OMG, he used to come over to my house with my son and play guitar in my juggling room.

Damn, it's a small world...

RIP Carrie

Last night, going to sleep, TV was on the news, as always...35 minutes set on the timer. Dozing off, I hear a body has been found in a Middletown Motel and identified as Carrie Roberts. That's my co-worker! I grab my Pocket PC and don't have her number. I throw on some shoes, my coat and run out to my car to get my cell phone. I call and it rings forever, with no answer. I run downstairs, get online to the news channel and find out the body had been found around noon. At that point, I could breathe, since I knew she was at work past noon.

Today, one of the first emails I received was from Carrie, titled: I'm Okay.

Thank God, it was a different Carrie! But not for that other Carrie's family. Rest in peace, Carrie Roberts.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Arrested Development!

Yeah, Arrested Development & Jason Bateman are up for The Golden Globes. Kids, if you haven't checked out this show: Sundays, Fox, 8:30 p.m. EST. You won't be disappointed. But, why in the hell isn't Will Arnett up for his portrayal of GOB (pronounced Job)? Funniest, straight man character ever! This show is the most wacked out thing since Seinfeld--even more so.

Also, many awards up for Desperate Housewives. Gotta love Marcia Cross; remember that crazy Kimberly from Melrose Place? Way over the top. And, what about Felicity Huffman? Great actress from Sports Night. I'll bet you never saw that show either since it only lasted two seasons. ABC, you suck! (My So Called Life, Sports Night, thirtysomething, Once and Again)...Once and again, ABC YOU SUCK!

So ABC, you have two great shows, now--Lost and Desperate Housewives...don't mess it up this time!

Youthful Essence

Suckered again! While in Las Vegas a few weeks ago, I got suckered by Susan Lucci's Infomercial while trying to get ready to go to the conference I was attending. Now, I'm not the kind of person to pay attention to Infomercials, but I am one of those people who is obsessed by wrinkles and looking old. Hey, I'm still 17 in my heart (maybe 21 to be legal drinking age).

However, I saw all of these testimonials about the "microdermabrasion" system that will get rid of those wrinkles and lines.

One week later, I think my face is looking older. Bite me, Susan Lucci! Oh, yeah, how long am I suckered into the $40.00 a month payment? Can I freakin' cancel? Biotch?

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Degranified Shots

I thought until recently, I was going to be a grandmother. I built it up all week. Got tons of free shots; "Granny Shots" as Roxy called them. Then Sara went to the doctor and found out she's not pregnant. I wondered how to undo those shots. Should I show up and puke for each one?

I told Roxy it was a false alarm and she responded a few minutes later, "You know what we should do? Degranified shots." And, we did.

Roxy rocks!

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

You Are The Camera

Last night I saw one of my guitar heroes, Juliana Hatfield. The show was at an intimate setting with only about 100 in attendance. She didn't have a band with her and played solo on her Gibson SG. Juliana amazes me what she can do with a guitar, playing the guitar licks along with bass lines.

Before the show started, my daughter says, "There she goes in the bathroom." I said, "Who?" Candice says, "Juliana, go in there and talk to her." So, I did and asked if she was going to play "You Are The Camera," one of my all-time faves. She explained that she couldn't because she'd have to re-learn the song. I asked for a hug and then left her alone.

She played a pretty long show...a lot of stuff I've never heard before. After the concert, Jim (aka Racing Legend Johnny Jackson-Stone) said she was signing autographs. I grabbed a piece of paper out of purse and ran up to get that autograph. She asked if I had a pen, and of course, I didn't (can't think of everything). Johnny, er, Jim ran and got me one (he's a great son-in-law by the way).

Here comes the really embarrassing part. I got on her again about not playing my song. She said, "I told you, I'd have to re-learn it." My response was, "How hard can it be? It's just freakin' barre chords." Then, I told her about when I was in London at the Tate Modern Museum, I saw a photo by Man Ray and was blown away. Of course she asked which one, and I have no idea what it is called. It reminds me of photos in Madonna's "Sex" book-very erotic and exotic. The reason I told her about this is because a line from "You Are The Camera" is "My back and torso like a Man Ray photo." Jim took a picture of us and I went back to Candice and gave her the lowdown. She said, "You didn't play air guitar, did you?" I blushed and admitted I did, along with singing the line to her. I sure hope Juliana doesn't think I'm some nut-job stalker. Time will tell if she's ever brave enough to return to Cincinnati.

Sunday, December 05, 2004

Family Night at the Gay Bar

This night is why I wanted to start documenting my shenanigans.

Friday night, my two brothers (Paul & Doug), sister-in-law (Dorothy), son (Nick) & girlfriend (Sara), daughter (Candice) & husband (Jim aka Racing Legend Johnny Jackson-Stone) went to the Gay Bar for retro 80s night. We've been there before and it's always a good time. The DJ kicks ass with music from Depeche Mode, The Smiths, Human League...

After much beer and some dancing, things started getting crazy. The dance floor is a raised platform with flashing lights. In order to get to the restroom, you have to walk in front of the dance floor and squeeze past all the spectators.

Candice runs over to me in a panic and tells me that Nick is about to get into a fight on the dance floor. She doesn't know how to stop it. Doug comes back from the restroom and says his glasses were flung off his face by flamer dancing with his arms swinging wildly. He's very pissed off and I'm afraid he'll want to leave, so I go buy him and his wife another beer to try to keep them there.

Fast forward to Saturday morning. I spent the night at Doug & Dorothy's. She asks him how he got over the glasses instance in such a hurry. He said, "Well, I thought about it for a moment and realized this a great story! Family night at the gay bar for retro 80s." He proceeds to tell the story. While trying to walk to the restroom, a flamer dancing wildly and flinging his arms knocks Doug's glasses off. He imagines them flying and twisting in slow motion like the scene from "Christmas Story." People standing near him asked what he lost. Everytime he answered his glasses, the replies were, "That sucks." Then the drunks started turning on their cell phones and tried to use the little lights to search on the floor. One guy staggers over to him and says, "Here man, try this one" and hands Doug his cell phone, turns around and walks away. Finally, after borrowing a flashlight (the beam lasted two seconds) from the bar and returning the stranger's cell phone, he gave up.

Back to Saturday morning. I ask Doug where he got the glasses he was wearing. Now you have to rewind about 15 years ago. He was at a club with his first wife watching a fairly well-known band when the audience was invited on the stage to dance. They saw a pair of glasses laying on a stool next to the lead guitarist. They danced over and stole them! Karma will always get you.

I get home and Candice calls and said they found Doug's glasses after we left. They were in two pieces in the middle of the dance floor. Nick calls and I tell him the glasses were found. He replies he didn't know anything about that because it probably happened when he was in the shoving match with the guy on the dance floor. I asked him why they were fighting and he said the guy got up on stage and started pushing people around. Nick grabbed him and threw the guy off the stage. The dude comes over and grabs Nick's shirt and says, "Hey man, you're not the only one here." Nick replied, "You too, man, now take your f*ckin' hands off my shirt."

Sunday afternoon, Doug comes over to my house. I told him about Nick's fight and he started cracking up. While Doug was bent over with his back to the stage using a cell phone to look for his glasses, this guy lands on his back after being thrown off the stage! He straightened his back forcefully and flung the guy back up on the stage.

Just another family night out.